I wonder still why I'm here when all the while I could not even get satisfied with my own performance. Why am I still here? Tell if it isn't so, so I could stop ahead of time. I plead wiht my whole soul as it is too burdensome to even think about. Please give me a reason to stay. Please give me reason to find myself within this supposedly deceased childhood dream.

That's exactly what I've been thinking after this week is over. The first day isn't that bad; the series and movies are helping out a lot... And the butterscotch whiskey, vodka and lager beer, altogether. But what happens if all of those are gone? I don't have money for all of that everyday. I still miss him the minute I don't do anything; the minute I give myself the chance to think. Who am I kidding? He's my world, and he doesn't miss me one bit; and it hurts so bad.

How long does anyone have to put up with waiting for the right person to come? Gathering the courage to tell someone you like them isn't even a valid option because no one wants to be loved just for the sake of having someone to call theirs; no one wants to be loved just because they want to be reciprocated. Everyone wants and NEEDS a legitimate kind of love. A love that none can ever trample upon except yourself.

I feel like crap right now. I feel like I've taken all the hope that he saw when he was with me. Should I have just let it go on, and soon find out that it would be too late? or was I right in hurting him now, when it's still early and he still isn't that much into me yet? Surprisingly, I do not regret what I did today, but I just can't help worrying about how he's doing, and how he's coping after such a crappy day. Should I have waited for him to get stronger in building his esteem and then I let go, or was I right in letting him go now and still offer my time and support even after such a let-down?

I am at my wit's end as to what to feel or what not. It's a bit weird having this kind of feeling since I've never felt so loved, but I have never felt so chained, as well. Was it affection? or a part of my affliction? I really do not know. It feels weird to not want to feel anything. It feels weirder to hope that I feel something, but I can't seem to find myself having any reason to. I want to be happy; but isn't happiness something that comes at a snap even before you rationalize the cause of your happiness? This time, I find myself needing to think of whether I'm happy or not, leading me to think whether I truly am happy, or was just led to say that I was.

2010 has finally come and 2009 - gone. I was just thinking how I had spent it, and thinking how I survived it. 2009 was the greatest roller coaster ride of my life... so far. Maybe because this was the year I decided to just be on my own, finally, and just live my life the way I wanted to, or maybe it just was meant to be. Either way, I could really say I don't regret any of it.

2009 was a long year, I could say. I could still recall it starting, its plot thickening, the climax happening and the end approaching. It was a year of mixed emotions, mixed signals and mixed companions. At its end, I could finally say, first hand, that learning about life isn't easy.

As I set off to my journey in life as an individual, I never knew I'd be crying so much; I never knew I could learn so much about myself the hard way. I realized that so much of me was missing, so much was kept away. So, when the time came that I needed to do something about my life, it turned into a mess. Not once, not twice, but so much more than I expected. One mess after solving another; trouble just kept on branching out, and I thought it was going to be endless. One time I was happy, the next I found myself sleeping on the floor with my pillows around me, as if comforting me against my sorrows. The pain never stopped, and when I thought it was over, a greater pain arrived. It was almost as if the world was against me; conniving to take the best of me away, until insanity overpowered me; but I couldn't give up, I had to prove to myself that I could be a stronger me for myself. I kept asking myself when the madness would end, but it soon struck be that madness would only exist if I allow it. Selfish as it may sound, but I had to think of myself first before thinking of others; it was all the solution I could think of to be able to exist again - sanely- with others; it was, however, inevitable to multitask - to balance reflection and interaction. I had to act okay, even if I wasn't. Sympathy wasn't what I needed that time, instead I craved for support, for encouragement. I got, disappointment there, mostly from the people I thought would unconditionally be there for me; fortunately, I had others to keep me company. I never had the chance to stand still, to just stop and "recharge" . I had to work, I had to earn and I NEEDED to live. I passed through all those pain, not without aid, but with companions; not without injury, but with scars to help me remember to choose well; and a realization that not with pride, but with humility will I be able to live with others for others to live with me, as well.

I had started a new chapter even before the year ended, I've already traveled more than a quarter of it. Disappointments still come from the people I've expected them from; but, like I said... I still NEED to live.


Now we experience another sunset in our lives, so we can prepare much better for the sunrise to come.

And another chapter in my life starts, and, not to mention, new people to meet to accompany it. I am once again a student. I rely on my parents' own volition of giving us our allowance - with the consideration of the grades I'd get, and the conduct we exhibit in our stay here in a land they classify as not their own. I wish I could do something about not getting to earn for myself, even for just a bit. I know It'd be an additional aggravation on my part since, clearly, I haven't really adjusted to my new schedule yet. But what would happen then if this continues, and I get to adjust as much as I could have and I still have not gotten anything to do to earn? Hmmm... I guess I'll get to that soon. I guess it's best to just take one day at a time right now, contrary to how I lived my life before -- always thinking ahead. Thinking ahead was never bad, but at times they fail to set realistic aspirations, and eventually I ended up burdening myself with unnecessary worries.

It's good to be in a new environment. I get to explore another side of me without hindrances or the sort. I'm a new me again, free from neglect and free from bitterness.. I hope. Another chapter has started for almost all of the endeavors I've experienced. One would be our new room, another would be the new start to try to get slim again, and another prospect for love -- I guess I couldn't really take life without this, it's a good source of inspiration after all. But I know this time, I should be more careful not to trip with my heart in my hands. With the good things in mind, I know that trials would commence, as well. Some prospective "enemies" would get in the way, and new batch of tearful memories would soon pile-up -- for happy and sad moment all the same.

One thing I learned in school, outside of the institution of education was the fact that the more you get deeper in the years of term you have, the harder it is to face the fact that your nearer the goal you so dreamed of having when you first started. By then, we get to build friendships, even the feeling of family, and soon we have to sadly realize that we must soon part ways again. The hardest part this time, I'd have to say, would be the experience of having blocked sections. The more time you spend with the same people every year would result to more tears to shed when your done; especially when, at the first impression, you know that these people are great, fun and worth treasuring all the days of your life. ---- So much for trying not to think ahead.

Thank you guys! For providing one of the most valuable chapters in my journey in life.

Seems it was like yesterday that I despised being in thi sposition, yet, now I face the irony of being in it.

A lot of people see a loss as a reason to give up. A lot of those who are scorned choose to stop hoping that someday, everything would still be okay. What should ones disposition be then if this is the case? Positive thinking doesn't always do much, but one can't really find the reason to think negatively if that person has already done his or her best to be able to reach whatever goal she chooses as a target. This goes the same for those who believe in luck. What then is ones motivation to strive harder if he or she solely leaves it up to luck?

Great! I'm at another great obstacle when I thought I was getting saved from all these shitty luck in life. I guess it would never ever get any better, at all. I just want to go home; to where I find myself without needing to reduce my self to dirt as what people would always eventually show themselves to me. I hate this...

One day you cry, and the next thing you know it, you feel that you're the happiest person alive. I guess it's just how you just really strut your stuff. Reformation is always hard to do especially if anger is all there is in your mind. Your mind gets cloudy, and you think that the whole world is against you; sometimes even the greatest effort of thinking positive loses it's power and creating a diversion would only make matters worse. The only way to do it is give yourself time; not time to think, because thinking would only lead you to rationalize situations that usually find its way to erroneous conclusions, but a time to stop and forget and see if forgetting does do its magic. It's amazing how doing nothing can eventually do so much.

Sadly, what we think our plans would be for ourselves do not always get to be followed. We had and will have our chances, but if the situation calls for its demise then it would sorely slip away like water in our bare hands. We really can't do anything about it. We've had our sacrifices; we've had what we thought were the best days of our lives. And when they go, we regret that we decided to place them in our dearest memories because when we reminisce, all those memories turn into shards of broken glass ready to cut us; and injure even our greatest esteem. We breakdown and we find it hard to stand up again because we've spent our whole effort in endeavors that we thought would stay until the end of our journey in life. We have the ability of coming back; yes, it's very possible; but the dilemma in all of it is the choice between being calm and positive or being bitter because all your life all you've done is be positive, yet life has gone to its ends to prove to you that shit will really happen.

There were times that during this little quest of ours we stumble and fall really hard, but we just try to stand up because we could always see a greater happiness. But what if that greater happiness suddenly falls apart because other people of whom you thought were with you in battle suddenly turn their backs and become apathetic of what you might become if this greater happiness crumbles? I guess then will we realize that it is wise to trust only ourselves.

Life has been great, and I know that it will be greater. At this point in time, I know that I cannot see that because of the anger I feel inside. I hope that when that day comes I would find it in myself to forgive, yet not forget because forgetting will only make me relive the nightmares that I had once thought were my greatest paradise.

Insanity has never been explained so well. People go crazy and yet it still could not be fully explained. Sometimes we start from feeling nothing at all and caring about nothing in the world; but then when some instances occur, our world just stops and this causes us to float all the more into a world of nothingness and eventually we realize that we've been blinded by the void that we've been in for the past few years, and we see that we have difficulty in bearing even life's smallest problems. How can one be so patient with the life one has lived and how could one bear to lose all his pride for things that other people cannot even see is worth of all that sacrifice. When does one fully understand how he or she is supposed to be valued when there is no pride left to begin with in this evaluation. But what then is pride, but a hindrance to what may have been or what will be if not for its existence? What then is trust if pride is all we think of? We could always be proud of who we are or what we've become; this does not imply that we could not give up some of our pride one way or another. Life has always been complex; values have always been allocated for each and every paradigm of our lives. That's why we are called human.