A New Life?  

Posted by Cybil

I hear a lot of people saying that they have moved on and that they are starting a new chapter of their life and even saying that they are starting a "New Life", but is that really true? Or are they just trying to repress every bad thing that happened or is actually happening in their lowly lives?

I have learned the hard way that life does not have a reset button and no matter how hard you try to start your life from a certain "beginning", your so-called previous life would still bite you in the ass. Even the things you didn't choose to happen strikes you and BAM! - you're in an irreversible present and incontrovertible future where you and you alone will have to try and reconcile with what you want your life to be from now on. It sucks that even through the blunders of others, you have to suffer the backlash of their regrettable decisions and it doesn't matter if you didn't have a hand in their misery and stupid actions, you would still have to live with it and deal with the agonizing and frustrating truth that the very decisions you avoided in your own life are affecting you because some other person decided to do them anyway.

People may at times view this as selfishness, but why can't I be selfish in these moments when I tried so hard not to make those bad decisions, yet they are flung your way anyway. Yes, it may be a selfish thing to do or to think about and to be bitter about, but so what? When those people decided to make their lives hell, weren't they as selfish or even more so when they didn't think that they would inevitably suck me into their stupidity? And because of that, I am caught off guard and displaced with what to do with my life because despite my carefully laid plans, other people just managed to f*ck them all up by their own selfishness.

If you have been thinking of others almost all your life; Almost wanting to please them and thinking of their welfare, yet they could care less about it themselves, you tend to lose it and just let go and be selfish once in a while. Your just eventually become tired of everyone else and, believe me, it's not pretty, at all. "Ugly" doesn't even cut it. It's just utter destruction - broken beyond recognition.

Can't Be One With The Other  

Posted by Cybil

There is none so much as to compete with the habit you've grown with even before I came into your life. So much time has passed and nothing made it at all different from before. Maybe, just maybe, that's telling me something I didn't want to realize. Persevering with the most impact, it strikes me just when I am the most depressed. You can't be one without the other.

You strive your best to find a way to include me in your habits, but up until now, you get frustrated when I am in your company; even until now you still cannot act as smoothly as you did before I came into the picture. You say it does not mean that way, yet all your actions display the contrary. I see you down, almost everyday, without being able to find a different reason aside from the fact that you have kept me in your company. I should have listened the first time. You can't be with me when you are being yourself. I hate it, and I can't find a way to drive away from it. I want everything to be different from what it is now, but it seems as if I'm the only left fighting. I'm afraid, but I can do nothing but wait for what may happen next.


Posted by Cybil

It happens so quickly and it doesn't give you a sign. As the bible had been quoted so much several times, "For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night” (1 Thess. 5:2)". This is the only consolation I have now as I see my mother's body being carried away to a place I know not where. Although there are uncertainties of such destination, I know, for a fact, that she is now gladly in the hands of her Maker; in the hands of our Maker. Sadness strikes and that's a fact, but all the more should we be happy to let her go and to let her unload her physical burdens. She, having seen her struggles, is the most deserving of the rest she has been offered now.

I believe that God has His reasons, and such reasons are beyond the reach of His children for now. The time will come that we will be reunited again, as the sun sets in the eve of the day to come when we all will see the Lord. It may be tomorrow, tonight, next month, the month after that or even at a time we least expect it; but it will come.

We will be left by our mothers, our fathers, our siblings and our children; but it will not be forever.   As forever will come, so shall our Lord. That is the very reason we shall rejoice. Surely we will be sad in the passing of time, when the ones we loved have seemingly left us out of awe, but we will meet again someday. We will be sad, as we would continue to miss them, that is the truth; and we ache for the hugs that we verily took for granted in the times that they were around; but rest assured, living will not be in vain; as their deaths are not.

We cry with tears of longing, we cry with tears of joy, we cry with tears of loss, but never with tears of misery and despair. We cry because we miss them, we cry because we care, we cry because we love them; but never because we think we'd never see them again.

See you soon, my love. See you soon Maming. And when we meet, I will be the best person I can present to you and I know you will be proud of me and we four will be happily together again; with no worries, no heartaches and no sadness. We love you so much Maming. Be happy for we will wait for you, as you also wait for us.

I love you Ming!

Tell Me If It's Not So  

Posted by Cybil

I wonder still why I'm here when all the while I could not even get satisfied with my own performance. Why am I still here? Tell if it isn't so, so I could stop ahead of time. I plead wiht my whole soul as it is too burdensome to even think about. Please give me a reason to stay. Please give me reason to find myself within this supposedly deceased childhood dream.

Does The Heart Never Get Tired of Hurting?  

Posted by Cybil

After having my heart pummel from one painful story to another, I had thought it would finally decide to stop beating for anyone else. Now, admittedly, it still is beating for that same person as from before, but then as it approaches the end of that chapter of my life, it's sending me signals that it's about to go back to yet another not so lovely, and not so happy love story. The upcoming love story is still in the making, and it hasn't even reached the point of deserving the word "love", and yet I could feel the onset of the oh so very familiar sense of happiness.

All I am left to ponder on is how this new story would emerge. Would it be a great replica of my great and amazing stupidity? or would it manifest a me that has learned to get tired of caring? a me that has finally become indifferent with the insensitivity of man? A me that just wants to accept the subsequent stories that would come my way and just really want to get them over with? What sense is there in loving, anyway, when the act of loving is merely a way to create a self-inflicted hell? Despite of being that which many view to be the essence of living, loving is not at all how it presents itself to me.

Maybe I have just grown bitter; maybe I have just lost all faith in love; maybe I have just lost all hope of being truly happy... it could be those things, or I simply stopped wanting to live.

What'll Happen In A Week...  

Posted by Cybil

That's exactly what I've been thinking after this week is over. The first day isn't that bad; the series and movies are helping out a lot... And the butterscotch whiskey, vodka and lager beer, altogether. But what happens if all of those are gone? I don't have money for all of that everyday. I still miss him the minute I don't do anything; the minute I give myself the chance to think. Who am I kidding? He's my world, and he doesn't miss me one bit; and it hurts so bad.

I know I'll be happy; a lot of people say that it's both a choice and something that just happens, but more of the former, but I don't know. I don't want to do anything anymore; I'm thinking that I'm too old for this crap, but then again, I don't really have that much leisure.

All I really want to do is just love and... be loved in return. I miss him.

Three Big Scars And A Headache  

Posted by Cybil

I can't believe it went this far, and now I finally don't know what to do. I'm faced with either needing you more or letting you go. If not either one, then I don't think my sanity could stand it any longer.

For a few days now, I find myself lost in thought, just staring at an empty vision. At night, I lie awake, just hoping that when I do sleep, that I wouldn't wake up anymore. Everything is just too much already, and I have given up. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel; I just want to disappear forever. Some nights, I grab a hold of Mr. Jang, and I try convincing myself that everything will be fine; that everything will just turn out okay, then I turn to my side to sleep. When I wake up, nothing changes... nothing changes at all. Everything just feels empty; like there's nothing to lose and at the same time, there's nothing to gain. I look for ways to distract myself, but each day that passes all that remains are a few TV Series, papers to read and water to drink. Not even my studies cause much stress anymore. All I feel, if that even is a legitimate feeling, is hopelessness. I could say everything feels numb, yet everything around me is just pain. So much pain, that even physical beating cannot accrue to its equivalent. Nothing just feels right; nothing matters at all.

I don't know how long this would take; I don't even know the cure. I feel like talking it out may help; but, in all honesty, I really could not ascertain. All I know is.... I want out... Of everything.