I am in another shitload, as I can see it. I do not know how I should feel anymore. I'm not certain whether I'm actually just denying what I feel, just to avoid the pain, or I really am just feeling what I feel now. I don't know if I'm being martyr again, or if I'm just laughing deep inside because I don't want to stop myself anymore so I rationalize. I'm not sure about what I should feel... I'm so tired of depriving myself, but I feel the need to do it. Kaize keeps crying inside, and Cybil wants to go back writing, but can't find the words. Xeon is mad at me because she feels that I'm being stupid again, because Rage is taking over and yet again, I'm denying it. Am I really Rage again? after two years of avoiding this feeling, why does it keep on coming back? Why do I have this tendency to fall for people to whom I'm not supposed to. Why do I torture myself so much? I'm have thoughts of this and said to myself that, yes, maybe this is like AJs case, but is it? is it really? I really don't know anymore. Is it displacement? or is it real? I keep wanting to see him, I keep wanting to look in his eyes, I keep wanting to be beside him just like those days when we worked together, I don't want to see him alone. I don't really feel any infatuation with him, I want to care, so I keep thinking, am I Rage again? or is Xanja taking over? I really don't know. Jian just helps me sort this, he gives me the confidence to face this situation, but Kaize keeps reminding me that if I keep this up, I may be rejected again, or not.

I just want to see him, to make sure he's okay, to make sure he's not skipping class, to make sure that he eats well, and to make sure that no one is hurting him, I just want to care for him, and I just want the right to scold him when he does something stupid, just like AJs case. So Xanja is taking over... Either way, I get hurt, because I'm living a dream again, he can never be my real brother.