I've been posting in my blog for three days straight. I find that quite amusing and even almost a miracle. I've been writing about the same thing over and over again. Have I really reached my limit. My head hurts form crying and it seems that I can't stop myself still from making tears fall from my eyes. I've been so hurt so much before and yet I never really minded them and jsut moved on after crying for a few minutes; but now... My mind just keeps on racing with thoughts of what I could have been able to do if my life was different; if my family had a different view in life. I've never been so tired about life until now. I've never really thought of being so hurt until now. I just wish I could get away and shout out my miseries. I've reached the limit of always asking why I couldn't live the dream I want and why couldn't my family be happy with me if ever that happens. I've even stopped my day dreaming after what happened; day dreaming had always been the only thing that made me make it through after a storm like this. But now... It just can't save me... Crying, another coping mechanism of mines doesn't seem to have any effect at all on me anymore; it just keeps on coming and makes my head ache even more. Why do I have to be sad? Why does my sadness result from the views of my family? Why do I feel so chained? I'm so tired of thinking and so tired of taking the blame of not being focused even when I am. Am I not focused only because what I focus on is not their desires? Now, even if I cry so much, each tear that falls from me makes my heart even heavier. Why is it so hard to please them? Why can't they be pleased with the fact that I would be appy with the life I choose? Why is it such a burden to them to make me decide on my own?

I'm turning 21 this year and yet, I can't even decide who to love on my own discretion. I'm turning 21 and I'm not getting any younger yet, they still keep on pushing me to who they want me to be. Can I just die right now? Maybe I am a quitter, but couldn't really admit it because they force me to say that I'm not because they'd like to pride themselves of having intelligent and great daughters. I AM NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... and yet they don't know that... they don't want to accept that. I'm so tired of seeing them so disappointed of me. I'm so tired of trying to impress them even if I really can't. I'm so tired of hiding my true self, yet if I do show who I really am, I'd worry about what they'd feel about themselves.

So what now? I can't really be myself.