It's amazing how being alone for a while can give you so much more to think about. Just a few days back, I just realized why I came here and why I wanted to live my own life. I never quite thought of it, it just came to me. I owe it to the midterms exam to give me the answer.
I realized that I wanted to just be me. No overpowering expectations, no pressure from anyone, no disappointing opinions, no worries at all; just me trying to live a life that was already a struggle in itself. I thought about the times when I needed to impress people of what I could do, of what I could die for doing. I remember when I was told that being the best would make me happy, but now I could honestly say that what would make me happy would just be being the best me for myself and for others. Now, I have to go back to the terror I was in before. It's so sad to be back from where I left off; and I was gradually doing good in coping with my so-called life. I'm back to being caged again with my worries, with my nightmares. I wonder if it'll ever end. I'm happy now, but the happiness just isn't real. It's obstructed with reaching out for that high expectation again, even if I'm so out of it, so sick of it.
Nothing beats living a life without having any real choices, any real real dreams of my own. I'm just so into it, aren't I?
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at 11:17 AM
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