I am at my wit's end as to what to feel or what not. It's a bit weird having this kind of feeling since I've never felt so loved, but I have never felt so chained, as well. Was it affection? or a part of my affliction? I really do not know. It feels weird to not want to feel anything. It feels weirder to hope that I feel something, but I can't seem to find myself having any reason to. I want to be happy; but isn't happiness something that comes at a snap even before you rationalize the cause of your happiness? This time, I find myself needing to think of whether I'm happy or not, leading me to think whether I truly am happy, or was just led to say that I was.
I haven't reached the peak of saying that I truly feel such intimacy with anyone, but the thing is, the feeling that is supposed to rise in every moment we share, is diminishing by the moment. I know this as such because I am the one who has this feeling in me. I am the master of my own affection; but how could I let down such hopeful soul? I have no slightest idea.
I believe it just began too quickly and now I don't know how to slow it down, much less put it in reverse. I just want the old us back. The time when we were close, but we don't stop each other from doing anything. The time when we laughed minus the intimate looks. I believe I've reached that point in time that I can't help but just reciprocate because I can't handle the pain I could cause one of those that is most important to me. I couldn't help but wonder that if this is the time for my happiness, then why does my mind and heart go in unison expressing that such happiness is doubtful in itself due to such selfishness that I could very well be exhibiting unconsciously?
What am I to do? I don't want to let you go because you are important, you are essential as a part of my life; but... I could not say anything more than that. I don't know if I would eventually feel for you, but I'd only cause too much pain if I made you hang-on, yet I am not sure if I could definitely feel the way that you do. I didn't mean to lead you on if I did, but... I can't handle your love. I can't handle my selfishness of keeping you holding onto me, yet I am really not sure if any of this would flourish into something more than whatever it is now.
How do I let you go? and more importantly, how do I let you let me go?
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on Sunday, July 25, 2010
at 4:37 AM
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